This is very damning material and am putting my life at risk, but I will be a martyr for the truth. If this is the last piece I ever write; Please tell my mom that I left my will at the top right corner of the ceiling in my bedroom.
Read At Your Own Risk:
Dear Diary
Today when I woke up, I found LaToya and LaTavia eating my fried chicken, this is so not on. This is the second time this has happened. I went and told my daddy and he said he’ll do something about it.
21 June 2000
Dear Diary
*evil laugh* Daddy sorted LaToya and LaTavia out.
They are fiiiiireed and they don’t even know anything about it.
Right now we are shooting the video for “Jumpin’ Jumpin”, and have recruited to new girls.
I like Michelle she is very obedient like Kelly, when I say jump, she doesn’t even ask how high, I already see her aiming for the ceiling.
The other girl, Farah I am not so sure about her hey. She’s almost as light skinned as me. That could be a problem. I am supposed to be the only yellow bone in this mother but let’s see how it goes.
Dear Diary
Mini-Me-Wanna-Be; Farah, sang my parts better than me during rehearsals. The nerve of that hood-rat hussy. I will not allow such to happen. I refuse, I asked daddy to sort her out.
1 October 2000
Dear Diary
Farah got her walking papers today, and I told daddy not to find another replacement. Kelly and Michelle will do ok as my back-up dancers and singers, and they are both dark-skinned. No way will they ever out-shine me and they both know never to eat my fried chicken, So we are all happy.
31 October 2000
Dear Diary
Oh My God!!! Oh My God!!! Oh My God!! I met the man of my dreams today. He looked at me and I just melted, He had me at hello but he was with someone else though, my acquaintance Aaliyah. She was hovering all over him like a love sick puppy.
I don’t know what wrong with that heffah and older men; First R.Kelly, now my Jay Z, cant she find guys her own age?
Diary when JAY LOOKED AT ME, he literally took my breath away. No like literally! His nose is so big he took up some of my oxygen. I have a thing for big noses, That’s why Barbara Streisand is my idol.
Diary I want JayZ!
Dear Diary
Have I got good news for you! I have become very close with Aaliyah lately, and while we were hanging I saw on her pager that Jay’s best friend Damon Dash has been hitting on her so I anonymously paged JayZ about the situation.
All I know is that him and Aaliyah are no more and that hussy has already moved on to Damon Dash. What a trifling Ho but I still gotta pretend to be her friend because I need to use her to get closer to Jay.
11 January 2001
Dear Diary
I’m in love! Love!! Love!! Love!! Finally got my man. Jay and I are inseparable. He’s everything I have ever asked for, when I am with him I feel like I am Dangerously In love.
13 June 2001
Dear Diary
Its been over five months since Jay and I have been together, all is good but I caught him looking at a picture of Aaliyah the other day. And I have also seen the way she still looks at him. That bothers me.
Diary everything about Aaliyah is really starting to bother me. All of a sudden she’s the IT black girl in the industry. She’s doing all these movies; her songs are up on the charts, that worries me Diary.
I am supposed to be the Diana Ross of the next generation. There can only be one black top female per decade. I even hear that Whitney has asked her to play the lead in ‘Sparkle”. She is going to play Ms Ross!
Diary I am supposed to be the first one to play Ms Ross. Either in “Dream Girls” or “Sparkle”. That’s my role!! Aaliyah is just taking everything that’s mine, I cant have this.
I will have to speak to daddy about this.
26 August 2001
Dear Diary
Aaliyah died yesterday.
I LOVE MY DADDY ;-D
I was on the Billboard website today and after all this time, after all my hard work this people are still calling TLC the best female group of all time. I can’t deal. TLC?? Non of them can sing like I do.
I will have to speak to daddy about this.
26 April 2002
Dear Diary
Left Eye died yesterday
I LOVE MY DADDY ;-D
25 June 2004
I am in the mother land. South Africa!!! Everything is so beautiful here, my only problem is that Oprah has been forgetting to use her under-arm deodorant and she keeps on wanting to hug me. I am starting to believe those rumors about her and Gayle. The other time when she hugged me, I swear she squeezed my left boob too hard.
Another thing that’s bothering me; There’s this girl with blond hair called Lebo- Something.
Diary I saw her do these dance moves called PANTSULA. Diary I was so jealous, I wished that I could dance like her. I wish I could perform like her and now they are asking me to duet with her. Diary she’s going to outshine me, I cant have that. I have agreed to the duet, but I have no plans for it happening.
I will have to speak to daddy.
31 May 2005
Dear Diary
I am shooting my dream movie, “Dream Girls” I have worked so hard for this role. I feel like this is finally my time. I am going to win an Oscar on this one. I am the most talented out of these amateurs. This one is MINE!!!
16 August 2006
Dear Diary, I am not cracking this Pantsula dance thing. It’s been over two years and I AM JUST NOT CRACKING IT and that Lebo-something is supposed to be coming over soon to the states for our duet, and I’m afraid she is going to out-perform me.
Daddy really needs to do something fast.
24 October 2006
Dear diary Lebo Something died yesterday.
I LOVE MY DADDY ;-D
Dear Diary
I AM SEETHING!! I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!! THAT FAT THING! THAT PIECE OF PIG THIGH Jennifer Hudson won an Oscar!!! This was supposed to be mine!!! This was supposed to be my night. I sat there watching her as she won. I wiped my tears while I smiled. Everyone thought I was crying tears of joy for Jennifer, but I was gutted! I wanted to run to the stage grab her wig and slam her against the podium.
Daddy will have to do something about this.
23 October 2007
Dear Diary
Daddy has made plans for Jennifer, I also just spoke to that heffah to make sure that she’s home tomorrow and she will definitely be home. Let the games begin
24 October 2007
Dear Diary
Jennifer’s family members were killed yesterday, Jennifer was not home at the time.
I really really don’t understand how this happened. I spoke to her last night and she insisted that she was gonna be home, I told her that I have a special delivery for her, that only she can sign for but she still was not home. It just goes to show what little respect that hussy has for me.
And Daddy is no longer focused on my business, he could have dealt with the “Jennifer Problem” so swiftly but I believe he is screwing one of my dancers, that’s why he is starting to lose focus. I’m very upset right now.
*To Be Continued*
Disclaimer: This piece is purely satirical. It is not meant to be cited as a credible source of information.? This is not meant be fact, but is total fiction. If you catch feelings or feel offended. Sip some tea, relax, smile and a have very Happy New Year ahead
By Zamani Khethelo
Peeped over at justcurious
