Her G-Spot is in her ears – Your doing is with the words
We sourced nine golden rules to seductive speakin...Embrace Dirty Talk, because she likes it!!!
“For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.” So says novelist-that-your-mom-pretends-to-like Isabel Allende. Unfortunately, she’s got a good point. A 2004 paper in Nature magazine monitored human brain activity and found that the male sexual response was all about visual stimuli. But women? Far more likely to be switched on by aural action. And yet this is where you step into the minefield. Barking XXX filth in German or making up hilarious rhymes about her name? We can do that. Actually telling her what she wants to hear sexually? Fail. So, FHM presents the ultimate guide to sex talk – from first SMS, to mid-thrust bellow. Honed from years of scientific research, socio-linguistic experiments and relationship-ending pillow-talk disasters, these are the steps you’ll need. We’ve been through it all, so you don’t have to. We’re nice like that.
1 - Ask her what she wants (and get the truth)
Talking dirty can be fun and practical; not only will she feel like you’re giving her the upper hand, but you can find out if she’s enjoying something. So during foreplay, ask her “You like that?” or something similar. If she’s groaning with pleasure, proceed. If she carries on squeezing the big chorb on your shoulder, try a different move. Telling her what you’re doing lets you push things forward and will help her guide you to what she really wants. As sex author Nikki Gemmell says, “If we dive deep into the underbelly of anyone’s sexuality, it is without limitations and standards.” AKA filth.
However, for her book The Bride Stripped Bare, Gemmell surveyed numerous women – and found a surprising rule: “About a third said they didn’t like anything to do with the breasts. Yet this is something men assume is a key erogenous zone for all women and always make a beeline for.” Could also be that we love boobs...
2 - Make it seem like it was all her idea
If you want to try something new, ask, reckons Lou Paget, author of The Great Lover Playbook. “That way you’re making a request, not a demand. Requests are heard, demands are not.” You both know what you want, so tell each other. In her book, Dirty Talk: Speak The Language Of Lust, Lynne Stanton says, “Try encouragement, like ‘harder’ and ‘don’t stop’.”
Use key words, too. Advertising godfather David Ogilvy found certain phrases were especially persuasive with consumers – words such as “amazing”, “sensational”, “remarkable” and “magic”. And they work in the bedroom, too. Oh, and remember it is utterly impossible to go overboard on compliments when she’s naked. So layer it on.
3 - Make her an equal opportunity partner
You might be all fired up to start dropping the dirt, but she’s keeping schtum. How to make her talk? Don’t ask leading questions. If she’s feeling reticent, hitting her with a barrage of questions that can be answered “yes” or “no” (“Ten centimetres is big, isn’t it?”) will shut the conversation down instantly and make her feel passive and victim-like. Leave it open-ended; something like, “How does that feel?” or, “Tell me about...” is more likely to elicit an X-rated response. Phrasing it this way makes her an equal party to the filth-fest that’s about to ensue.
“Language contributes to the domination of some people by others,” writes linguist Norman Fairclough. In other, more simple words: stop telling her what to say.
4 - Change your voice
A deep, sonorous voice is naturally associated with command, power and authority. The longer (or looser) your vocal chords, the lower the pitch – which is why you sound like a grizzly bear first thing in the morning as your chords are fully relaxed. Stress tightens them, so try to relax and speak a little more slowly. Lowering your chin also drops the pitch, as it widens the vocal chords. But don’t overdo it, or you’ll look like James Earl Jones dying of flu. Want to go more gravelly? Singers like the Foo Fighters’ Dave Grohl mix up fresh ginger root, honey and peach water before concerts to achieve that guttural growl. And ignore the old wives’ tales about smoking heavily, or “internet medics” who recommend hormonal treatment. You’ll just end up with emphysema and sporting a pair of boobs. Hmm...
5 - Go subliminal
Until waving your hand in front of her face Jedi-style and saying, “You’re not tired, you want me now,” actually works, you need to learn the power of hypnotic suggestion. Still in use today is the Milton Model, pioneered by American psychiatrist Milton H Erickson. He believed that direct suggestion is met with resistance. So you should be less authoritative and more indirect, leaving your words open to interpretation. It gives the listener the illusion of control. Milton called it being “artfully vague”. So for example, if you get horny at a party and want to slip off home for a fondle, don’t say, “C’mon love, I’m bored and pitching a marquee down here. Let’s go home now and I’ll even take my socks off.” Instead, try: “We’ve been here for ages and you’re not having a great time. Why don’t we head off and spend some time together?” Hey presto – they think they’re in the driving seat (albeit a driving seat on the kitchen counter).
6 - SMS some smut
Prying corporate eyes keep most email chat PG-rated, so the phone is your primary instrument for letting your girl know you’re “hot for teacher”. Keep an SMS short, begin with a simple compliment on how great she looked last time and ramp it up from there. Get started early by asking her what she’s planning on wearing this time. It gets the “sex ball” rolling, without sending her a video of two hyenas shagging like they’re on fire. Ashtyn Evans of sheknows.com says, “If you’ve just started dating and you’re ready to move to that next level, a text will certainly have her ready for what you want to give.” Watch spelling and pronunciation, too, so she doesn’t think you’re a spaz-thumbed dropout.
7 - Give her ‘phone foreplay’
Broadly speaking, women talk to build emotional relationships. “A man only does what he has to do,” reckons Men Are From Mars... author John Gray.
“In the beginning of a relationship, he communicates because he knows that he has to.” Translation: call her for more than just a perfunctory booty call and she’ll be putty in your hands. Try calling her half an hour before you leave work, just to tell her you’re thinking about her. Then, as you leave the office, tell her a steamy tale of what you’ve been thinking about doing to her. Then follow that up with a series of calls every ten minutes telling her to take off her clothes, what to wear instead and, finally, where she should lie waiting for you. By the time your key hits the latch, she’ll be very well oiled indeed.
8 - The ‘hidden note’ surprise
Nothing more exorbitant than a hastily scribbled Post-it she finds in her jacket pocket on the way to work. But keep it vague. Something that sounds lightheartedly dirty. Ellipses (three dots) infer an element of innuendo. “Thinking about last night... x” suggests something a bit more sexy than, “Forgot to put the rubbish out before bed”.
Or take the blatant route – why not sky-write it? Favoured by aviation enthusiasts and early Eighties rom-com stars, your words will be 100 metres high and visible to everyone in town. The minus side: it’s expensive. Stick with something short, like “Me <3 U”.
9 - Speak to her vagina
Our friend Winnie the Pooh once said, “I am a bear of very little brain and long words bother me.” That bear was crazy, no doubt. Used correctly when going down on your woman, the right combination of words can give her the kind of knee-trembling orgasm that will put you down for some serious reciprocation. Not that that’s the reason why you offered, of course.
Start with the (ancient-but-trusted) ABC technique. Place your tongue either to the side or at the top of her clitoris and start writing the alphabet. Listen out for approving sounds as you go through each letter. Combine them like a sexy word search. Or ask her what you’re spelling out. (I.A.M.G.E.T.T.I.N.G.M.O.U.T.H.C.R.A.M.P. always makes for a good game opener). Remember how sensitive a woman is – she may even be able to tell when you’re writing the words to Bubblegum On My Boots by the Nudies...
Things To Avoid....find out more at fhm.co.za
